PFTHD - Post-failed thru hike depression...anyone else?

[Grinder]

Victoria,
Reading your post and the replies, two adages come to mind

"Never say never"
And
"It ain't over til it's over"

Mourn the premature end of this trip as long as you need to. Then get back to the future. It's waiting .

Miles of Smiles
Tom

[Ewker]

Sorry to hear about your foot problems. I read your TJ and noticed that you hiked the Approach Trail barefooted. Could that have caused your foot problems? I am such a tenderfoot that I can't even imagine doing that...ouch

Don't give up your dream on thru-hiking the AT. Heck my dream of doing that is still 10 yrs away. Get back out there after your foot problems have healed. Lots of time left to hike this yr.

Hope you get better soon

[Yahtzee]

Just my little opinion, but those who are ripping the husband are falsely assuming that Victoria is a non-entity incapable of making her own choices and being acted on by the big bad wolf. Hogwash. Sounds like her husband gave her an ultimatum (cowardly thing to do) but at that pt., Victoria has choices to make. And those choices are completely hers. She will have to live with those choices. Just as if she had left hubby and continued hiking. That decision would have had consequences, as well.

Vic, I am so sorry you are depressed. I have no advice, only sympathy.

[Almost There]

Yahtzee hit the nail on the head, if she really wanted to continue she would find a way to convince him, I know my wife would. Sorry but you don't tell your wife what she can and can't do, that's the surest way to guarantee she will do the opposite if she has any spine, my guess is he explained to her why he didn't want her to go back out and she gave in to his point. I'm also guessing it's very likely we won't hear back from her for awhile.

[DavidNH]

I think one of the biggest challenges of thru hiking the AT is simply getting enough time (5-6 months + for most) to accomplish the task. I was fortunate enough to be in a postion to do so (being single without kids helps!).

I would think that those who have a spouse would find the support, finacial and emotional, to make a thru hike happen. Of course not having a spouse, I can't speak very well to this situation. Perhaps those of you who are married and have the dream could explain it to your spouse, what it means to you and see if he/she will understand and help you acheive your dreams. Imagine, hiking the whole AT and having a spouse to be the support person and even meet you up at Baxter? I envy such folks!


To the original poster : How much of the trail did you actually complete? couple days? few weeks? a month or more? You may not have done what you set out to do, but you still had an outdoors wilderness experience that few others get. Just getting out of Georgia is an accomplishment in its own right. Perhaps in the future..you could just go out for week long sections..to areas you have done, or perhaps areas you haven't. That is what the trail is really there for. Not to accomplish some feat but to get out into the woods and into the mountains in the first place. So feel good about what you did do!!


In the future..I am not going to thru hike again. But I want very much to go back and do certain sections!

I am not sure if I am helpful here but have tried to be as understanding as I can.

So many times..I hurried and tried to make miles. In all cases I had more fun and remember the experience more fondly when I put aside the miles and competativeness and just enjoyed the moment. Yet how easly my hike could have ended short of Katahdin. I had a couple bad spills in Maine.

DavidNH

[icemanat95]

My husband doesn't want me to go back out, so it's over for me. I can't go back and finish now.

My injury won't end hiking forever, but it will probably be a few more weeks at least. I still can't comfortably walk around my own house. I'll definitely do some hiking when I'm healed, but sectioning doesn't appeal to me - the dream for me has always been doing a thru, so sectioning would seem pointless for me.

Oh, and at 26 I would say "never". Yes, the trail will still be around, but I won't be able to take six months again. Even if my situation allowed it at some point, my husband, future kids, and physical condition wouldn't. I'm a down to earth kind of girl, so I'm being realistic about this.

Victoria,

First off, I HATE the word "failure" in conjunction with things like this. YOU did NOT "fail," your body failed to support your heart's ambitions...that's a whole different thing. So put this "failure" crap out of your head right now.

Next: Do not discount the value of section hiking. Some of the best hikers I met on the AT, some of the most joyful, were section hikers. They spent the whole year looking forward to the year's section, planning it with friends, taking practice hikes, whatever. When they get back out on the trail, they get to fall in love with it all over again. Talk about a cool experience. How many of us wouldn't like to re-experience that every year?

Another thing to examine is what the thrru-hike was for you. Why were you doing it? To say that you did it? To commune with nature? To experience the Eastern Mountains in a variety of seasons? Only the belt notching reason is closed to you now. The other things are still there.

In my other life I study a small variety of budo (traditional Japanese martial ways). When I first started (and every now and again) I was focused on earning rank, specifically looking toward shodan, the first "black belt" rank. But progress is slow, and a good sensei can slow you down even further than your technical abilities would allow in order to allow your spiritual and psychological abilities to catch up and mature/evolve. Sensei may even demote you if your attitude does not meet the standards he or she demand. Ultimately there is no "ultimately" in budo. There is no ending place or final goal. Those who embrace budo settle in for the long haul and accept that they will continue to learn until the day they die, continue trying to improve the most basic, fundamental techniques. Even when their bodies fail them, they continue to consider the inner aspects, the "ura" of their arts, and thus continue to improve their budo, even as their physical skills degrade. Ranks and titles evaporate in the long run, they become simple sign posts along the way. Most of the high ranking budoka I have met don't even remember the dates of their various rankings. What they remember are students and teachers, insights they have gained by watching other people and training with others. Fellowships and shared experiences.

So don't worry about the thru-hiker or 2000-miler designations and the kudos...none of it means anything really. Looked at objectively a thru-hike is little more than a 5 or 6 month vacation. What's important is what you learn and experience along the way, and a very few of those things cannot be gained by other means. Its the journey, not the goal, that reaps the rewards.

About the word "never." I don't know your situation. You are young, but you may have some underlying health problems that you haven't told us about that may seriously impact your prospects for future physical activities. On the other hand, medical science being what it is, many of the physical maladies that prevent people from enjoying full movement in life, WILL be cured in the coming decades, or at least be a whole lot more treatable. Tissue culturing will allow treatment for osteoarthritis, advances in neural science will address degenerative neural muscular disorders, the list goes on and on. So you may actually end up being healthier and more physically able at 50 than you are now. There are a lot of 50 and 60 year olds out thru-hiking after their retirements.

Finances are another worry, but, that's what savings accounts are for. Tuck away a little each year and you'll be surprised how fast your adventure fund stacks up.

Bottom line. Some choices aren't yours to make. Getting off the trail was one of these. So why regret the decision, it was out of your control. Yes it closed the book on this discrete adventure, but try not to let it get you down, one door closes and another three appear before you. You said something in your journal about a sailing trip? Go for it. And marriage and kids are a grand adventure as well. Get 'em started early on the trail. Focus on the journeys and enjoy them.

[Chris_Asheville]

Vic,
I am probably the least controlling person in the world when it comes to relationships. I don't think it's out of the question for your husband to not want you to disappear for six months. Everyone on here seems to think dropping everything (a marriage, rent/mortgage payments and everything else that goes along with having a life) at any point in time is okay for everyone. I agree with many of the reasons people have to hike and I understand everyone needs to do things for themselves. As hard as it is for me to say and realize, being responsible has several facets. Responsible to yourself, your life and, at this point in time, your spouse. You DID decide to get married and occasionally you have to accept everything that comes along with that commitment. If he is a jealous jerk, rid yourself of that and continue doing whatever you want whenever you want. If he's a nice guy who is simply concerned with the health and safety of his wife, you should probably talk with him about your desire to finish. Last but certainly not least, find something other than hiking that will make you happy, at least temporarily.
Goodluck!

[leeki pole]

Victoria,
Reading your post and the replies, two adages come to mind

"Never say never"
And
"It ain't over til it's over"

Mourn the premature end of this trip as long as you need to. Then get back to the future. It's waiting .

Miles of Smiles
Tom

Ditto.
Keith

[gold bond]

"Never say Never" and "Never say Always" ! I don't know you or your husband. It sounds as though he knows the way you feel, but does he "KNOW THE WAY YOU REALLY FEEL"? Sometimes our tendacy is to let our emotions or our fears get in the way of letting out our true feelings. Alot of people have responded to this "assuming" that your husband knows "ALL" of your feelings about your passion for this. Communications are very important in a matter of this sort.You two obviously love each other...so talk it out....comprimise....work it out together.Solutions are easy, it's finding them that are the hard thing. This might be the one thing that makes your marriage as strong as it will ever be!
Good luck, God bless, and may the paths in your future be softer!

[NICKTHEGREEK]

If this is the very worst thing that happens to you, then your life will be near perfect.

[VictoriaM]

I haven't answered because I don't really know what to say. No, I'm not feeling better. No, my husband is not a control freak or a jerk, just a man who misses his wife when she's gone and has a hard time dealing with house and pets alone while being out of the house for up to 14 hours every day for work. Yes, in the end it is up to me, but it's hard to continue a six-month trip knowing that the ones you love most will have such a hard time of it.

I do have health issues, among other things, that would get in the way of a future thru. By rejecting sectioning for myself, I mean no offense against sectioners, just that it would be meaningless for me personally. Yes, I'd have fun hiking all the different sections, but I wouldn't feel as if I had accomplished anything.

It's a tough decision for all involved, and whatever I choose will hurt someone. Unfortunately (or fortunately, I'm nbot sure which) it looks like I'm going to have to go back out. I've sunk into a deep depression that nothing seems to help but planning to continue my hike. I want to go back and finish my hike more than anything, but at the same time I don't want to go back. I worry that I'll regret it for the rest of my life if I don't finish, and I worry that I'll be miserable and lonely for the duration if I do. Yes, I'm aware that I'm not the first person to have these kinds of feelings, but knolwing others have had them doesn't make them any easier.

I'm leaving things up in the air for now. If I'm going to get back out I need to do it soon, as I think I'll need to take it extra slow to avoid reinjuring myself. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but whatever it is will happen by the end of the month, I think.

[Small Steps]

Victoria,

First I want to say sorry to hear about your injury. I know what it is like to plan, train commit your life to a goal and have it all taken away in a heart beat. All I can say is you have to get up smile and say life is good. There is no magic to getting out of the funk…..(if you find the magic cure please let me now….) You have to look at it this way…..at least you had the opportunity to plan, train, and proper for a dream. Look at how much you learned and how much of a better person you are for it. Myself I was too stupid when I was 26 to take advantage of the time I had to fulfill dreams like thru hiking the AT. So I am in total envious of you for having the opportunity to attempt a thru hike. It is only now that I am 40+ that I sit back and regret not taking advantage of my youth.

The next thing is don’t ever say “never”. Thing have a way a changing all the time. I look at my life in the past year. I have gone from happily married to foot loose and fancy free. When I was married my wife HATED camping let alone hiking. Her version of camping was getting in the car and not knowing which Hilton she was going to stay in. That was if you could get her in a car for a trip over two hours. Now that things have changed I am planning my AT hike. Still can’t do a thru hike, but I can do long sections. Hope to be able to do a thru hike when I retire, Good Lord willing….. So things can always change.

The next thing I wanted to say was I don’t know what kind of agreement your husband and you made but you probably want to start talking about that right now. I know when you get married you make a lot of sacrifices for each other. My wife made some for me and I made some for her, I understand that. But if it is a true life’s dream, or something you truly love giving up on it will cause problems in the long run. I know this for a fact. Let me give you a small example. I love NASCAR. Before I was married I had gone to the Charlotte spring race for years. Before we got married, my wife even went with me a couple times. When we got married she just up and said she was not going any more and that she hated the races and would never go to another. I thought I was being a good husband by giving up my tickets and not going…. After seven years of marriage it was amazing how that decision come back to torcher me and how much anger and resentment it brought into our marriage. Every year I would go into a funk at the end of May because I wish I was going to Charlotte (this year I think I am going, ya as soon as I finish typing this I am going to go buy tickets…….). I’m not saying that the race was the only reason we broke up, there was a bunch more…some my fault some hers. What I am trying to says is, it sounds like the AT thru hike is something you have wanted to do and will resent if you give it up. All I can say is this. Kid can wait, jobs can wait, and life can wait. At 26 you have so much in front of you, don’t rush it. Talk to you husband and explain what went wrong, why it went wrong, what you are going to do to correct it, and that hiking the AT is a life dream you need to complete so that you don’t regret not doing it later. IMHO if he truly loves you he will understand your life dream and want you to have the opportunity to fulfill. I’m not saying he will understand you wanting to thru hike the AT (who does but us warped people), but he will live with it. If he says he can’t live without you for 6 months tell him that he does not have to. I am sure you are going to be hitting a town every week or so. He can meet you in town…maybe even at a shelter close to a road….

IMHO… LOVE is giving and taking so that each person feel totally happy and fulfilled…

If hiking the AT is something you truly want you have to talk with him and make him understand. If he will not listen then does he truly love you...

[Outlaw]

Victoria,

You wrote in post #53 that you are not feeling better. My simple advise to you is for you to go back and read what you wrote in your final entry in your TJ. I also read the "other" final entry you wrote, the one that you deleted; it too spoke a great deal about your fortitude, desire and drive.

To me, after reading your TJ, sounds like hope is not lost. If you do make it back to the trail (whether this year or one in the future) just take it one step at a time... before you know it many steps will have been taken on your journey.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

[Ender]

Victoria,

I'm not going to give advice either way, because it's a choice you have to make for yourself. I will say that if you left tomorrow, you could finish by mid september averaging just 12 miles a day, a very relaxed pace. If you do go back out on the trail, hiker shorter days, and you'll need fewer zero days. Take it easy, and listen to your body. And if all else fails with your feet, there are some long distance canoe trails out there that you could thru-paddle

[Trailers]

I havent read all your posts, or anyone elses for that matter, but to me it sounds like youre on a rollercoaster of depression, down one min and then really down the next, positive and refelctive one second then a complete bastard to yourself the next. i know what this is like ive just come out of a huge depression to do with health...im still suffering physically (more than ever) but mentally i feel better and thats because im aiming at challeneges and stuff, go for it. and you dont need to tell me about lost dreams. ive just had to give up quite literally THE greatest job in the world up in Japan, with so many benefits, 10s of amazing friends i will most likely not see ever again, high pay, almost free rent...... all because of health. the AT is my new thing for next year. you can do it.

dont make rash decisions when youre mentally incapacitated. trust me, judgement is seriously impaired

[handlebar]

Oh, and at 26 I would say "never". Yes, the trail will still be around, but I won't be able to take six months again. Even if my situation allowed it at some point, my husband, future kids, and physical condition wouldn't. I'm a down to earth kind of girl, so I'm being realistic about this.

Whoa, girl! Never say never! Keep the dream alive and let that be the incentive for you to stay in physical shape so that when you get to be the ripe old age I was last March 15th (60 years and turned 61 on the trail), you can take up the dream again. By then all those intervening family things may no longer be impediments and your husband might even join you. There's a 60-something couple hiking now on trail journals, and I finished with two other guys who were even older than I. Realistically, you can have another chance.

[rafe]

Whoa, girl! Never say never!

I'm with you. VictoriaM is, what, 26 years old? Unless she's been mortally wounded, she's far too young to be using words like "never" in reference to her own life.

[SURVIVOR]

VictoriaM,
You and I stayed at the Hiker Hostel together and chatted for a bit. We saw each other again at Neel's Gap. I got off the trail the next day. Do not beat yourself up over this. You have a lifetime of adventure ahead of you. Not all dreams come true. That's life. But you tried.And who knows. You may be able to start again. If not, your head won't pop off of your shoulders. Keep going. Move on to the next dream. I don't think of me failing a thru hike, I think of it as a sucessful section hike from Springer to Neel's! All is well, VictoriaM.

[Jester2000]

Just read your post #53.

I hope you get the chance to really reflect on what you NEED. And then do that thing. Rooting for you and sending positive thoughts your way.

[Skidsteer]

You could give Ben Franklin's method a try:

Take a sheet of paper, list all the pro's on one side and the con's on the other side. Invite your husband to participate. Discuss. Decide.

Good luck and best wishes.