Originally Posted by
Undershaft
My job sucks. The intra-office politics I have to deal with makes me want to climb the nearest Bell Tower with a rifle. Each day I am there I get more frustrated and angry. I don't know if I can last 3 more months. I don't know if I can last 3 more weeks. I'd love to just walk away, but my plans for the AT counted on me being employed until the end of March. If I quit now I'll be a couple grand short of where I need to be financially. I could still hike, but I would have less $$ for the trip and zero $$ for after the hike. This is not the position I want to be in.
My car sucks. I drive an ancient Lincoln Mark VII that is slowly and steadily falling to pieces. In the past week it's developed an 8 inch crack in the windshield and half the exhaust has rotted away and fallen apart. The exhaust system is now held together with a little bit of wire and a lot of optimism. The transmission hasn't functioned in 4th gear since last spring, and 3rd gear is becoming more tenuous each day. The wires are bad and the engine skips. It needs to warm up for at least 20 minutes each trip if I want to entertain any hope of driving normally. If there is 1/4 inch of snow on the ground the car becomes less than useless, in fact it becomes scary. Oh, and the speakers crapped out so I can't listen to the radio anymore.
It's a 40 mile roundtrip drive to work each day. If I can't drive to work, I won't have enough $$ to thru-hike. If I fix my car so I can get to work reliably or get a new car, I won't have enough $$ left to go hiking. Kind of a Catch-22.
My body sucks. About two weeks ago I started to get a chronic pain in my left leg. It hurts when I sit. It hurts when I stand. It hurts when I walk. Sometimes it hurts so bad I can't concentrate on anything but the pain. It has started to effect my job performance and overall happiness. I have not injured my leg (in any way that I know of) and I don't know what is causing this problem. I do not have health insurance because I got frustrated and gave up after dealing with endless circles of bureaucracy and red tape for 2 years. (Massachusetts has a law that all must be insured and provides subsidized health plans to that end, but after two years of being on this plan I still hadn't been able to get an appointment to have a physical with a PCP and gave up.) I need to see a doctor. I will have to pay for it out of my hiking fund. I'm sure it will be very expensive and deplete a hefty amount of $$ from my hiking fund. If I do not get my leg fixed, I probably won't be able to hike. If I do get my leg fixed (providing it can be fixed), I might not have any $$ left to go hiking with. Another Catch-22.
My wonderful, perfect plan to thru-hike the AT in 2011 is crumbling into nothing. I no longer have a coherent plan to hike this year. I am no longer confident that I will be physically able to hike.
It was all so perfect. I'm (more or less) Single, some money in the bank, no kids, no pets, no morgage, no debt, no obligations. A dead end job, dead end relationship, and a dead end life of crappy, worthless possessions all of which I'm prepared and eager to walk away from. I love the mountains, I love the forests, I love walking and camping, I love the idea of Thru-Hiking the Appalachian Trail. All of the day, weekend, and section hikes I've done on the AT have been great, fantastic even, but its just not the same. I don't really want another hiking vacation, I want the hiking trip of a lifetime! I want to hike up the Approach Trail, down the Knife Edge, and into a Brand New Life featuring a Brand New Me. There is something special about a continuous Thru-Hike of the AT. I've seen it in the eyes of the other hikers, in their shelter register entries, in that first thru-hiker journal I read 15 years ago....
Two weeks from tomorrow I will acknowledge my 34th birthday. Today I may have to acknowledge the fact that I probably will not thru-hike the Appalachian Trail. Fifteen years ago I dreamed about thru-hiking the AT, ten years ago I wanted it, five years ago I needed it. Two years ago the stars aligned, the time was finally right, and I made the realization of that dream/want/need my primary goal in life. Two years of hard work, focus and saving flushed down the Bowl like the greasy sandwich I ate on Tuesday.
It is now 5 o'clock in the morning. I have been awake, sober, and in constant physical pain since midnight. Good Luck and Godspeed Class of 2011; May you have good weather, good views, good laughs, good loves, and great drinks!