to thru hike or stay with my girl?

[stunt man]

well i have been with my girlfriend for a little while now and things have always gone pretty well for the most part... we had our rocky moments like any relationship but we have always done pretty well... we have our differences but ive loved her the whole way through. the subject or marriage has come up on numerous occasions, and our lives together have been planned for the next 10 years. but lately our differences have become much more apparent to me. the more i think about it, the more i realize we are just two completely different people who want two completely different things in life. i was originally planning a 2010 thru but she is part of the reason i didnt go. the more i talked about my hiking plans, the more she rejected the idea... eversince i didnt go on my 2010 thru, it has been eating me alive... so i made plans for a 2011 thru. when i made these plans known there was a tension that was created between us and it brought out all our differences and forced us to face them instead of just pushing them off to the side like we had been this whole time... basically there was an unspoken ultimatum... stay with her so she will be happy, or go on the hike and we both go our separate ways... man, i sure am gonna miss her.

[Spokes]

Say hello to the "Greatest Mountain" for me.....

[Mountain Wildman]

Tough choice either way, Good luck!!
Hope to see you out there.
NOBO 2011!!!

[DapperD]

well i have been with my girlfriend for a little while now and things have always gone pretty well for the most part... we had our rocky moments like any relationship but we have always done pretty well... we have our differences but ive loved her the whole way through. the subject or marriage has come up on numerous occasions, and our lives together have been planned for the next 10 years. but lately our differences have become much more apparent to me. the more i think about it, the more i realize we are just two completely different people who want two completely different things in life. i was originally planning a 2010 thru but she is part of the reason i didnt go. the more i talked about my hiking plans, the more she rejected the idea... eversince i didnt go on my 2010 thru, it has been eating me alive... so i made plans for a 2011 thru. when i made these plans known there was a tension that was created between us and it brought out all our differences and forced us to face them instead of just pushing them off to the side like we had been this whole time... basically there was an unspoken ultimatum... stay with her so she will be happy, or go on the hike and we both go our separate ways... man, i sure am gonna miss her.

There was a similar thread awhile back where someone else was dealing with this exact issue:http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/showthread.php?t=54938

[stunt man]

this hike has been my dream for a long time... if she cant understand that, then we obviously dont belong together. its not just the hike, its other things as well but basically it has become an unspoken understanding that me doing this hike will be the deal breaker... i have to do this... theres other fish in the sea, right?

[TheChop]

If that's the ultimatum then the relationship is over. You don't go and stay with her and you'll resent the hell out of her and either be miserable or break up. You go and she breaks up with you.

Either way you break up. One way you hike the AT. One way you don't.

[Storm]

If it's true love there is always room for compromise. Does it have to be a thru hike as opposed to a section hike. If it has to be thru could you take a week off here and there to spend with her. Probably other possibilities I'm not thinking of.

After 41 years with the same young lady I can tell you there better be room for compromise or you are better off to nip it now.

[stunt man]

If that's the ultimatum then the relationship is over. You don't go and stay with her and you'll resent the hell out of her and either be miserable or break up. You go and she breaks up with you.

Either way you break up. One way you hike the AT. One way you don't.

wow, i never thought about it that way... thanks

[stunt man]

If it's true love there is always room for compromise. Does it have to be a thru hike as opposed to a section hike. If it has to be thru could you take a week off here and there to spend with her. Probably other possibilities I'm not thinking of.

After 41 years with the same young lady I can tell you there better be room for compromise or you are better off to nip it now.

yeah i think i better nip it in the bud now, i love her like crazy but i think there are just too many differences between us that make us two completely different people... and in some cases opposites attract but lately since we have been talking alot more about it, we have discovered that we both have different directions in life... its just hard to sever the ties when we know its the right thing to do in the long run, but are currently still so in love

[leaftye]

You didn't go with her this year for her. How about her stepping up and joining you on the trail or at trailheads next year? This way it's not such a huge separation.

[turtle fast]

Sometimes time apart can make a relationship stronger. You tend to appreciate things that you would not of thought of while together. If this is a big dream of yours, then she should "have your back" and support you. Let her know that it is one of your life's goals. It is easier said than done I know. You could also involve her in your hike. She can be home base and send you gear when needed, etc. Also, it is not like she could not visit you on the trail...even hike a section with you. I wish you good luck!

[stunt man]

well thats another part of the problem, shes your typical "girly girl" and isnt interested in hiking... as a mater of fact, shes not really into outdoor activities at all which is a problem for me because thats a huge part of my life. so that goes back to us being two different kinds of people. i love her alot but the more i think about it, the more i realize shes just not the right one for me.

and just incase some of you were wondering, this isnt just some high school puppy love thing. im 26 and i was planning on marrying her but i guess sometimes as much as you want something... sometimes the harder path is the right path to take. we are just too different and i think this would happen eventually anyways... regardless of whether or not i go on this hike. i think its better to end it now rather than drag it out and make it harder on us later on down the road.

[Praha4]

the answers you seek will come to you on the trail, after you've been away a few weeks, you'll start asking yourself which you desire more? to be with her or continue the thru hike. only you can answer that, but don't let her bully you into coming back to her if you don't want to. if she loves you she will give you the time and space to do your thru hike and wait for you. if its not meant to be, you'll know soon enough after time away

[leaftye]

well thats another part of the problem, shes your typical "girly girl" and isnt interested in hiking... as a mater of fact, shes not really into outdoor activities at all which is a problem for me because thats a huge part of my life. so that goes back to us being two different kinds of people. i love her alot but the more i think about it, the more i realize shes just not the right one for me.

She doesn't have to hike with you to participate. She can meet you at resupply points to help you resupply, clean up and make up for lost intimacy. Maybe get her a copy of The Cactus Eaters and show her the part about Mark and Sweet Elaine.

[Wombat Farm]

well i have been with my girlfriend for a little while now and things have always gone pretty well for the most part... we had our rocky moments like any relationship but we have always done pretty well... we have our differences but ive loved her the whole way through. the subject or marriage has come up on numerous occasions, and our lives together have been planned for the next 10 years. but lately our differences have become much more apparent to me. the more i think about it, the more i realize we are just two completely different people who want two completely different things in life. i was originally planning a 2010 thru but she is part of the reason i didnt go. the more i talked about my hiking plans, the more she rejected the idea... eversince i didnt go on my 2010 thru, it has been eating me alive... so i made plans for a 2011 thru. when i made these plans known there was a tension that was created between us and it brought out all our differences and forced us to face them instead of just pushing them off to the side like we had been this whole time... basically there was an unspoken ultimatum... stay with her so she will be happy, or go on the hike and we both go our separate ways... man, i sure am gonna miss her.

Enjoy the hike! When you are at the point in a relationship that an ultimatum to or from anyone comes into play...it's already over. Only YOU can make yourself happy... :-)

[khog03]

It seems like you already have the answer.

Also..I completely agree with elgranola.

[stunt man]

well i really appreciate all the help! my biggest problem is i tend to be more concerned for other peoples happiness before mine... which isnt always a bad thing but i tend to put other people before myself entirely too much. i guess if its meant to be, it will happen... but as far as im concerned, ill see you all on the trail in 2011

[berkshirebirder]

we have been talking alot more about it, we have discovered that we both have different directions in life... its just hard to sever the ties when we know its the right thing to do in the long run...

Disagreeing about a thru-hike is one thing, stuntman--different directions in life is a much bigger thing. Many couples include an "outdoor" person and a "not outdoor" person. Sharing some interests and having others that are separate can make for a healthy, happy relationship. Young couples aren't always secure enough in their relationship to work this out.

Does your girlfriend know WHY she doesn't want you to thru-hike? It could be a number of things, some of which just need reassurance or compromise, as others said.

On the other hand, if she thinks you eventually will change into a "not outdoor" person like her--that doesn't sound promising.

Maybe having time apart would be a good way for each of you to take stock of the relationship.

[vinovampire]

One word of warning, no matter what you decide to do, make sure you're "using protection" prior to the trip. It's your responsibility. In the past three years, I've known several guys who were in the exact same situation as you. I don't want to get into too many details, but in each case the guy I know was planning or started on a big trip, then "unexpectedly" the GF became pregnant. In each case, somebody "forgot" to keep taking their birth control pills.

In one of the cases, my coworker was already "out west" on his life changing adventure when he got the phone call to "step up and be a man." In the case of my neighbor, his GF told two of her female co-workers (who are my really good friends and occasional hiker partners) that she had secretly stopped taking her birth control pills so he "couldn't leave her." And, I could go on with several other stories, but you get the idea.

In any event, just realize sometime this can happen, so it's up to you to make sure it doesn't happen to you. Good luck!

Best,
Vino Vampire!

[sherrill]

I was in a similar situation in college. I chose to hike, and have never regretted it.

I still stay in touch with her and we both agree we did the right thing by admitting that we had different goals and moved on. Wasn't easy, but a lot of things in life aren't.