no AT for me, not now, maybe never

[WILLIAM HAYES]

It saddens me to see anybody stand in the way of someone realizing their dream. It is an ultimate form of selfisness- Marriage partners need to support each other if my wife wanted to do this I would be her best supporter This guy needs to cut you some lack. If he cannot tell him to take a hike and go anyway if he really loves you he would understand if not maybe it is time to reassess your relationship with him.
Hillbilly

[take-a-knee]

Tell that all-about-me "other-half" of yours that your other dream is to be a helicopter crew chief/door gunner...and they are hiring I'm told.

[Almost There]

I suggest that you follow the earlier advice to get some counseling.

Yes, a thru hike or a long section if selfish. Some spouses are embarrassed with the idea that the hiker would prefer to sleep around other hikers in shelters or on the ground, as opposed to the home bed.

Yes, there is a problem if you husband hasn't developed a support network of his own on the East Coast. This is even a greater problem if the communication about the hike/conflict deals with prolonged silences and ultimatums - including your attempt at blackmail.

You are going to get a lot of advice based on our own unstated backgrounds and experiences. Personally, I feel really foolish for planning a 2 week section hike with a very good friend - during our 2nd anniversary. We've talked about it, particularly how I so quickly took the trip for granted without paying attention to the date. She has found a few ways for me to make it up to her.

So, if you and your husband are at loggerheads, plan to finding someway to enhance the conversation. I applaud your decision to postpone your trip and to seek advice. See what you can do with a decision among the couple.

I don't know how I feel about the fact that you would rather spend your 2nd anniversary with me than with El' Don't get any funny ideas, I can hike faster than you with my new lungs, old man!



Tanya,

You should never feel guilty for the give and take in a marriage. What have you done for him?...you married him and you love him! You'll figure it out, if it's something you really want, you will find a way to make it happen, and if it bothers you that much or you feel like you are going to resent him somewhere down the line, then I suggest you follow Orangebug's advice, better to tackle a problem now, than several years down the road. Again, good luck!

[Bilko]

But this is the only place where I can find sympathy and understanding in this matter.
thank you for listening, guys, you all rock and happy trails to all of you!

If you need to go to whiteblaze for sympathy and understanding you have alot more problems than you think you do. Going out hiking is not your problem.

[warraghiyagey]

Yikes dude.



The great maority of us here are very happy to help just by talking if we can Tanya. And wishing you the absolute best.
You are a sister here.

[Frosty]

because I can't leave the house in the amosphere of resentment. I won't be able to share with my husband the stories of all the wonderful happenings on the trail. He will not want to listen to any of it. And after I come back the whole thing will be a forbidden topic. And that's not what I want. I want him to partake of my joy.

Yep, that all makes sense. Trouble is, you can't make people feel what you want them to feel. you can work out a compromise or an agreement where he is okay with your hiking, but you can't make him feel joy at it. YOU can feel joy at your hike, though, even if he doesn't. But I see you want to share your joy.

Most marriages are made up of three components. Two separate people and a couple. Think of it as two circles that overlap. Every marriage needs that overlap of coupledom, things that the two people share with each other. But it also needs the separate parts of each circle, also. Each person must have an individual part that is not shared. They still need to be their own person. Marriage is the union of two people. It needs two people. When they become as one person, without their own identies, the marriage is weakened, not strengthened.

Think of Khalil Gibran's words on Love and Marriage:

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

[warraghiyagey]

Frosty, nice work. The Prophet has very special meaning to me. I carry it on the trail with me.
Sorry I stood you guys up for the PA Ruck.

[fiddlehead]

Life is priorities. IMO

[River Runner]

Tanya,

I am going to take your husband's side a bit here. I can understand why he would be shocked that you would want to leave him for 3.5 months, especially if he is a non-hiker, if he did not realize that your dream was not just one of those things that some of us talk about wanting to do, but know deep down that we never will.

I guess it will come down to which is more important to you - a thru hike, or your husband. Only you can make that decision. If you decide it's your husband, trying the increasingly longer section hikes as suggested is a good alternative.

If you decide finding yourself on a thru hike is more important, then you need to seriously analyze how commited you really are to the relationship you entered. Considering the fact that your hike would also be a financial burden, that your husband moved from California for your benefit, and that he apparently considers you the most important thing in his life as evidenced by the fact he spends all his spare time on you rather than outside interests or friends, if you feel a long hike that he is opposed to and that separates you for many months is more important, it might be good for both of you as a couple to sit down and discuss your long term goals. Then decide if they are worth compromising to keep the relationship or if it is best to cut the relationship now instead of 10 or 20 years down the road when you both may have grown to resent personal sacrifices made.

A thru hike, despite the memories that linger, is after all only a journey of 3-6 months when it comes down to it. Is it worth it?

[envirodiver]

Tanya, as someone that is divorced I may not be the best person for advice. However, I will offer my opinions.

I can understand his way of thinking to a certain extent. It would be difficult for him to be without you for 3.5 months. But regarding the finance side, you said that you don't make that much money anyway and you are out of school during that time so, I don't understand that there would be a decrease in family income. The amount that you would spend on your hike is not that great. If you need gear ask for those things for birthdays, Christmas, etc. It's OK for you to buy your own gear also.

However, Is the financial side of things the real issue? I have no idea what your relationship is with your husband and if there are other issues, but for some people it would be difficult to trust a spouse alone with a bunch of other folks for 3.5 months. If trust is the issue then it's something that must be addressed if you hike or not.

If the hike is very important to you and you don't do it because of him, it may create a wedge in your relationship that just gets wider and wider as time goes by.

Good luck and I hope that it all works out.

[double d]

Tanya, I hope your husband will understand your passion to accomplish one of your life's dreams, I'm not sure why he is so much against your dream, maybe he is confused, hurt, controlling, dependant on you for his happyiness (and so what if he is without you for 3 and half months, look at members of the U.S. military that are away from their families for much longer periods of time). Good luck, keep communicating with your husband about this issue and whatever decision you come too, make sure you accept it and not resent him or yourself for making whatever choice you make.

[Tin Man]

Marriage is all about communication. If you are not aware of each others' dreams, then there needs to be more communication. I don't know how much you have shared your hiking enthusiasm with your husband, but if this was out of the blue, his reaction is not all that surprising. Although, it would appear he could have been a little more open minded. As others have suggested, take some shorter hikes and work your way up. You are young and have plenty of time to realize your dreams. Communicate more, stress less.

[orangebug]

However, Is the financial side of things the real issue? I have no idea what your relationship is with your husband and if there are other issues, but for some people it would be difficult to trust a spouse alone with a bunch of other folks for 3.5 months. If trust is the issue then it's something that must be addressed if you hike or not.

To psychiatrists, Money is American Sex. It is the one topic that everyone chokes on.

Watch the talk shows. More people will discuss intimate relationships with farm animals than how they manage their credit cards.

Couples who can discuss money can resolve any problem.

[STEVEM]

Tanya, you may want to review this discussion. It seems to be a similar issue to yours: http://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/showthread.php?t=16135

Unfortunately, I don't think things went well for Victoria, and she hasn't been around here in a long time. Maybe you could send her a PM or email.

[rickb]

Being in love with a spouse is better than being in love with the idea of a thru hike. Many people are not as lucky as you. Plenty of lonely people out on the AT, and not because they are by themselves.

Think about a nice section while you have a chance. The trail does trend to help some people find their priorities. How much hiking have you done, anyway?

Anyone who doesn't know you can't really even guess what yours should be.

[Frolicking Dinosaurs]

:::: Dino curls a loving and comforting tail around Tanya ::::

Several ladies here are married to non-hiking husbands. I hope they will weigh in on the realities of being away from home for lengthy periods and how they have managed keeping the home-fire burning while doing it. This does take considerable planning and thought.

Tanya, don't give up because this attempt was not successful. Give some thought to how you could make this happen by seeing that your husband's needs for friendship and support while you are away are met -- and for you to be able to accumulate a nest-egg to finance your hike so he does not have to 'slave away' to pay for your hike.

Marriage is a lot of give and take -- and both parties' needs have to get met or it just doesn't work. I would do my hiking and such a lot differently if I were single, but I'm not. I've modified my hiking style considerably for the comfort / sense of well-being of the He-Dino who is a far less experienced hiker than I am. Sometimes I would rather go alone, but He-Dino would be sitting at home terrified for my safety (I have had a considerable disability since 2004) and knowing that would ruin the experience for me.

[Tipi Walter]

Tell that all-about-me "other-half" of yours that your other dream is to be a helicopter crew chief/door gunner...and they are hiring I'm told.

If the backpacking gods wanted me to have a wife, they would have issued me one.

Three things to avoid if wanting to live outdoors and backpack:
A wife(or husband)
Kids
Debt

[BipolarStroller]

You should find out why he doesn't want you to go, it could be as simple as he doesn't trust you or doesn't trust you hiking and tenting with alot of other men, or maybe it's a saftey issue, could be scared you'll get eaten by a bear or attacked by some psycho (I take a moment to remember M.E.~God Bless her soul).
Maybe you should talk with HikerNut, we met them last march,her husband came and stayed the very cold and windy night with her at Fontana and then next morning cooked us all a hot breakfast, then sent his tiny adorable wife up Shuckstack mountain, it was endearing to see him happy because she was doing what made her happy.
Until the hiking bug gets him, it'll be hard for him to understand your "obsession" to hike. Your future together depends on his positive exposure, put a pack on him and slap him in the booty. Include him in everything, buying gear, browsing whiteblaze, it's quite infectious especially once he gets out there and starts meeting some of the nicest people in the world and maybe when he is comfortable and feels welcomed to your hiking family, he'll loosen up.
alot of us want to thru hike, badly, myself included. I've given Crumb my blessing to do a thru, but now he faces the same roadblock I have, our baby. We don't resent her needing us, although we sure get antsy in the spring!
Good luck, I hope you find a resolution and happiness!

[digger51]

Tanya...it's just a long walk. Some people wrap their lives around it and can't understand why everyone doesn't. A marriage is a lifelong partnership and committment, if you are lucky. Ask yourself if you love the idea of a long walk more than you love your husband. That answer should guide you. Fortunately, my wife supports my outdoors activities. But, if she said today that I had to choose between hiking and prospecting and her, my boots would be in the trash and my pan would be on ebay tonight. You can always find a park or a dayhike or weekender, but you can't always find love. I hope it works out for you whatever you decide.

[rafe]

There are things in life more important than trails. I know that my wife would not support my leaving for a thru-hike, of the AT or any other trail. It was enough of a challenge getting a six-weak "leave" last summer to finish the AT. But hey, them's the breaks. Win some, lose some. I can gripe, but... it's just a trail.